Some Pissed Off Person

You Pissed Me Off

To all the fresh-faced fashionable young people who move to Canberra this time of year,

You pissed me off! You never fail to! I suppose, technically you are different people who arrive from Sydney or Melbourne sporting interesting fabrics and boutique designs, but LOOK AROUND YOU. Everyone else is wearing corporate fashions brought to you by a combination of Target and the Roger David discount rack and was perfectly happy about it. We have an understanding here... there is no need for a suit to be any colour other than dark grey or for a fabric to exist that is not polyester-cotton.

Except when looking in the mirror or gaggling in group of gradlings, please note a complete absence of well tailored trousers or slim-fit French cut shirts, because last year's trendsters all got with the program around May when it's time to buy a shapeless oversized black duffel coat. Please hurry up and lose your style so we can go back to feeling united and happy in our mediocrity.

You Pissed Me Off

To the piece of junkie trash who stalked me at Woden Lawn Cemetary on Boxing Day after I’d gone over to visit my dear old nan who passed seven years ago this year, then continued to follow me around taking photos of me on her camera phone whilst babbling incoherent foul mouthed trash about me of stalking you - you really, really, pissed me off! 

Since you came to me, and not the other way around, that means you were doing the stalking, not me.  I only got rid of you because I resisted the temptation to jam your phone up where the sun don’t shine and called the cops instead. Once you realised what I was doing, you scurried off like the cockroach you are.

You must be one sick fuck to be getting off on hassling people at graveyards who come to pay their respects to their dearly departed. And don’t even dream of pulling that shit on me again, because a) I’ve already reported you to the cops and b) the next photo on your camera will be a close up view of your large intestine.  Do us all a favour and fucking OD you worthless parasite.

You Pissed Me Off

To the carload of bogan degenerates at the intersection at McDonalds in the city, who decided to terrorize some poor old motorist for politely beeping you when you failed to notice the light  had gone green... Do everyone a favour and drive that shitpiece of a car as hard and fast as you can into a tree. A small, soft, beep of the horn is a way of saying ‘Hey there fellow motorist! I see you’ve failed to notice the light has gone green! Hey, happens to the best of us, no sweat, just letting you know.’

It is not then an invitation for your fucktard of a passenger to extend their middle finger, and then to do a vicious burn out sending plumes of black smoke back in their direction. The poor guy was probably just trying to get home to his loving family, and you twats were in the way.

A carload of bogans scaring a polite old man of a motorist; way to fucking go fellas. Sign up to the UFC straight away with that kind of arse-kicking credentials.

Do yourselves, your long-suffering parents (wherever they are) and the rest of the world a favour and drive off a fucking cliff already. Dicks.

You Pissed Me Off

There are a lot of things that annoy me, but none more so than wandering into a public toilet to find some bloke taking a crap with the cubicle door open.

I try to live a good life. I’m kind to animals. I donate to worthy causes. I don’t bear false witness against my neighbour. Yet, on far too many occasions in my life I have innocently walked into a public toilet, busting for a slash, only to find some overweight, middle-aged man sitting on the crapper acknowledging my existence.

I don’t care that he’s friendly and just waved at me. I haven’t come in here to make friends, especially one who is in the process of expelling faecal matter the size of a pygmy’s head from their bowels. And I certainly haven’t come in here with the intention of finding out first hand whether he’s a scruncher or a folder.

Even more disconcertingly, in my travels I have found that Australians have gained a global reputation for shitting with the door open. Whatever way you look at it, this is not something to be proud of. 

If I had my way, all public toilets would be fitted with giant industrial sized fire hoses. This way, if you were to wander into a toilet and find some bloke smiling back at you with a giant turd half hanging out of his arse, you can simply set the hose on him.

So, please people, next time you’re visiting a public convenience, be sure to make that extra effort to ensure the door is shut before anything goes down (or out).

Mr Wibbles

You Pissed Me Off

You are such a fucking weak person, I met you two weeks ago, and thought hey, this guy is cool. Turns out, you're just a complete and utter wanker. First, you spend a night out in Bangkok, go to ping pong shows and kiss 3 people in a row- hey, I don't judge, each to their own, right? Until you go and tell me the next day that you have a girlfriend, and no, you don't have an open relationship and NO she definitely wouldn't like you sleeping with random people on your study trip to Thailand, so you're not going to tell her (wtf?!). Are you seriously such a weak person? Better still, you procede to be a disgusting, seedy asshole and sleaze onto every female student on the course, only succeeding when the slutty teaching assistant lets you sweat all over her. And you've said 3 words since we started this group assignment. Stop wasting all your limited braincells on your 'second brain' and start paying some fucking attention to something that is neither slutty, available or female. It wouldn't hurt to appreciate the fact that someone else is paying for you to be here! 

Fuck you.

You Pissed Me Off

Canberra's tailgaters, beware: not only are you all pissing me off, you are pushing me toward critical mass, where I may consider some form of biblical-style revenge, such as a plague of pubic lice or weapons-grade halitosis for you all. I have grown weary of the sight in my rear-view mirror of some slack-jawed bogan in a shitbox Commodore or an SES-level public servant in an environment-raping 4WD, attempting nose-to-tail vehicular intimacy on Canberra's roads. Stop it. Just give up and leave some space between you and I. It doesn't matter if you think you can drive like Mark Webber or The Stig; the reality is if I have to hit the anchors for some emergency and you've got your driving lights up my exhaust pipe, then you're not going to stop in time. Unless you're at least two seconds behind me (time, not distance, is the critical factor here, sports fans), then you may be dismayed to learn the hard way that your video game-honed reflexes are not up to the real-world task of avoiding meeting me in less than jolly circumstances. Besides, your demonstration of tailgating is just confirmation of your pea-brained status and simian approach to operating a tonne of potentially lethal transport technology. Get off my arse or get the bus, you space invaders.

Calling all members of the Borange Pants-less Brigade

Calling all members of the Borange Pants-less Brigade. Put some pants on, for all our sakes. I don’t want to see the crotch of your knickers when you lean forward to peer in the door of the bar you’ve queued outside (although I guess I should be thankful that you remembered to put them on).

Put your piss-flaps away!

Walking around in nothing but your jumper and a pair of stiletto ankle-boots in sub-zero temperatures has nothing to do with female empowerment and everything to do with being a tragic, attention-seeking bimbo whose self-worth is measured by the number of free Stolis you can scam from metro meat-heads.

And quit whining that you’re cold. Of COURSE you’re cold - bronze-orange might be a warm colour but it’s no substitute for trousers. You know that cracking noise? That’s the sound of your Mons freezing. It was bad enough when you were getting about in only your tights but this is a whole new world of special. Even Lady Gaga wouldn’t nip down to the local in so little.

Please. Please. Use your brain. I know you have one (I almost caught a glimpse of it through your clacker). Don’t ask your friends what they think about your outfit. They didn’t do you any favours last time. So, before you head out tonight, step away from your fashion magazine delusions and take a good, long look in a full-length mirror. Right. Now turn around and lean forward…

You Pissed Me Off

Dear Sydney, every time I visit you I’m reminded of just how much you and your people piss me off. I dodged all the takeaways on my way up for a house party in favour of what lovely, healthy home-cooked spread might await me, only to be greeted by a vegan-friendly, nut-free, gluten-free array of blandness. Shouldn’t these people be in quarantine? How do you survive eating pure wank? Get an immune system. Yes, I do like Canberra, thanks for asking that as your first question when you finally get over yourself enough to talk to a new person, and yes, I am a public servant and will choose to politely ignore that sour face you’re pulling right now. How much money do you make as a post-grad student doing an internship at an art gallery while having to work three other part-time jobs in hospitality? That life must be treating you well. I do not care about the social damage of labelling groups by the way they dress, you boring hipster, and I don’t give a shit about what percentage of soy beans are genetically produced. Your ability to pull fun facts about obscure artists out of your arse is inspiring me to fall asleep and I’m running out of questions to ask you but am well aware that if I stop encouraging you to talk about yourself you’ll stand there in awkward silence… When do we get to play Kings?

You Pissed Me Off

To the Mum's group Mum who can't control her son.

You pissed me off!!! I'm very sorry you've been upset by me not inviting you to the park. But YOU PISSED ME OFF!!

That first time we had a playdate at your house, I didn't say anything when your child, let's call him Gordon, repeatedly hit and yelled at my son for even going near his toys (something I assume was okay with you, seeing as you had invited us into your home to play). I also didn't say anything when he wouldn't let my son have a pencil or even sit in a chair for morning tea. I didn't say anything to you when he made my son cry by slamming the door in his face repeatedly, locking him in his (Gordon's room).

I didn't even say anything when Gordon wouldn't let my son on the playground, and pushed him off the ladder.

Then, when you were at my house, with all of our kids, I didn't say anything when Gordon was hitting my son over the head with a bucket. I didn't say anything when Gordon pushed my friends daughter off our landing (which, at nearly a 1m height, would have resulted in serious injury to my friends daughter had it not been for my friend catching her).

I didn't say anything when Gordon pushed my son off the bridge at the park, and that did result in injury. My son's back was affected by the big fall and he still, even now, sometimes complains of a sore back. And I didn't say anything.

But the real clincher is, neither did you. Not to your son, to my son or to me.

And now, you have the balls to be upset I didn't invite you to the God damn park. Well lady, the reason is that YOU PISSED ME OFF!!!!!

You Pissed Me Off

To the elderly bitch sitting next to me at the classical concert, YOU PISSED ME OFF!! Not only did you loudly clear your throat every two minutes (you didn't even attempt to keep it quiet, and I don't think you were actually sick), but you also whispered audibly to your husband several times, yawned, looked at your watch, and like some kind of floating buoy, you never sat still, instead constantly bobbing to look left, right, up, down and over your shoulder and rocking forwards and backwards in your seat. Finally, you made an unbelievable racket BRUSHING FUCKING LINT OFF YOUR SKIRT FOR TWO MINUTES. Did you need to do that RIGHT this minute? The room was quiet and well-behaved - EXCEPT FOR YOU! Learn some general concert etiquette and actually HEAR yourself.

Dear "Hat Lady" as we call you at work. I do not care that you spend every dollar of your pension pay on ugly strech fabrics in our store. You don't need a generous cut. You want one because you are a stingy rude old bitch. Please go and annoy your childern, or the carers in the home you live, I don't get paid enough to be nice to you. If I never see you, or one of the abominations that you sew and wear on your head, I will die happy.

You Pissed Me Off

To the stupid effing lady who blocked the entrance to the short-stay carpark in Woden... YOU PISSED ME RIGHT OFF! Not only did I have to beep at you twice to indicate that you were holding up traffic, I also had to drive my car up onto the curb to go around you when you wouldn't move your fat arse of a station wagon.  Quite frankly, you're a bitch who has issues.  I don't care if you couldn't find a park anywhere like you tried to explain through aggressive mime out the window, NOT MY PROBLEM!!  What could have been an easily resolved situation by you simply driving forward two metres actually turned into a full-blown incident of road-rage that ruined my morning and made me late for class!  Not only that but there was an emergency vehicle behind you! Sure it didn't have its lights or siren on but, come on, do I really have to explain?? Did you have a brain bypass?? And if so,

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DRIVING A CAR?? God, this happened 2 weeks ago you've managed to get me in a rage again! I don't really hate anyone but I really really don't like you you horrible selfish carpark-blocking cow

You Pissed Me Off

To the fascist, gun-toting security bitch who rudely intercepted me as I innocently tried to withdraw MY cash from an ATM that was about to be serviced, you PISSED ME OFF. Learn some f@cking manners, you cow. Your lead-ejaculating strap-on does NOT give you the right to be rude to people who inadvertently get in your way. I would have told you to f@ck off to your face but I've got manners! I hope you pull your trigger accidentally and blow a huge hole in your ego.

Lordy Lordy [Land]Lord, I'm on to you like a rash on cheese. You let yo fellow [hu]man live in conditions not fit to pay for, and when these same [hu]mans rent a room out, it leaves a sista wondering what she gotta do to rent a room that don't smell like mould do?

Invest in yo investment. Don't be too proud for pride. If yo gonna have a house then have a home.

Canberra International Music Festival

What do Canberra, Walter Burley Griffin and Schubert all have in common? According to Chris Latham, director of the CANBERRA INTERNATIONAL MUSIC FESTIVAL, they all embody perfection. “Canberra is a geometrically perfect city, a work of art,” explains Chris. And Walter Burley Griffin was the creative genius who, together with his wife Marion, conceived the design for Canberra. Griffin was unconventional; he took a risk and designed his vision of an ideal city. “So, what better way to celebrate the perfection of the Griffin design, and Canberra as the manifestation of this design, than with the perfect music of Schubert?” asks Chris, who is clearly very passionate about his job.

If references to Schubert haven’t prompted you to check whether you’re reading a stray copy of your Grandma’s Limelight magazine instead of your BMA, you might be thinking to yourself that finding a link between Canberra and Schubert is a bit of a long bow to draw. Well maybe it is, but if it is the excuse needed for this eclectic set of concerts, let’s draw it. Chris wants “to take you on a guided tour through your city” with a diverse set of concerts in venues all across Canberra that, of course, will be featuring plenty of interesting bowing (and not just the music of Schubert).

I asked Chris to talk me through the festival, which runs for 12 days and includes over 30 concerts. I asked what, in particular, he would recommend for classical music novices (albeit experienced connoisseurs of good music) to try? He replied with talk of a didjeridu on Red Hill; the music of Phillip Glass, Steve Reich and Schubert; four sexy Danish guys; and a very different piano recital.

Chris’s first recommendation is the concert that kicks off the festival atop Red Hill, one of the geometric nexus points of Canberra (Dawn Voices, Wednesday May 11 at 7am, Red Hill Lookout). Chris describes it as “a rock-out concert with half an hour of amazing didjeridu”. Well worth getting up early for! Next on Chris’s list is The Fourth Estate, Wednesday May 11 at 6:30pm, Kings Hall, Old Parliament House. In Chris’s words this concert features “really groovy, ambient music which will lull you into a trance, very beautiful”.

To honour the Griffins, the festival is featuring the music of contemporary American composers Steve Reich and Philip Glass both composers of the minimalist music style. Steve Reich, in particular, is credited with pioneering this style that has given rise to sampling. According to Chris, “Reich is one of the most influential musicians of the 20^th Century, with DJs, ambient music and many others following in his slip stream. His music involves mesmeric repetitive rhythms, it is very striking.”

Reich’s music can be heard at Sounding the High Court, Friday May 13 at 12pm, at the High Court of Australia, and at three concerts at the Fitters’ Workshop, Kingston: Lux Aeterna, Friday May 20 at 8:15pm; The Kuusisto Brothers, Saturday May 21 at 5pm and Music for Eighteen Musicians, Sunday May 22 at 2pm. Philip Glass’s music will be featured in the opening Dawn Voices concert on Red Hill and in a concert on the final day of the festival at the opposite end of Canberra, atop Mount Ainslie, (Mt Ainslie: The Revealing, Sunday May 22 at 11am, Mount Ainslie Lookout.)

For some bowing of strings that are easy on both the eye and the ear, Chris recommends the Danish String Quartet. Four good looking, young, talented Danish guys playing music with verve and passion: need I say more? They are performing in their own concert on Friday May 13 at 6pm, Albert Hall and as part of other concerts during the festival.

Schubert is featured heavily throughout the festival program including three dedicated concerts of his works: Schubert: Transcendent Perfection, Monday May 16 at 7:30pm, National Portrait Gallery; Schubert Quintet, Tuesday May 17 at 6pm, and Schubert Unveiled, Saturday May 21 at 8pm both at Fitters’ Workshop, Kingston. Schubert was a prolific composer who wrote more than 1000 compositions during his short life. Exhausted, he died of syphilis at the young age of 31 before his talent was fully appreciated. Chris describes his music as “a musical Mona Lisa, sad but beautiful, cathartic, music to turn to for solace.”

For my money, one of the most interesting concerts of the festival will be the Vikings of the Sunrise concert, Friday May 20 at 6pm, Fitters’ Workshop, Kingston. This concert features the music of Stephen Scott and his Bowed Piano Ensemble. This ensemble takes a foray into the interior of the piano. As Chris explains “you will hardly recognise the sound of the piano, it is unique, interesting and a great experience.” Chris went on to explain that the ensemble “is made up of students from Colorado College in the States who have been taught by Stephen Scott throughout the year and then, during their summer holidays, go on tour.” What a great concept! And trust Chris to link this back to Canberra, “just as Walter Burley Griffin came up with a completely different idea for a city, Stephen Scott has found a completely different way to play the piano!”

Finally, Chris recommends finishing your festival with the Finnish vocal ensemble, Rajaton (Rajaton Returns, Sunday May 22 at 5pm, Canberra Theatre Centre). But wait, there’s more: concerts in our iconic buildings; a concert that involves being driven all around Canberra in a bus; and concerts featuring the music of Mahler, Mozart, Bach, Debussy and Vivaldi. Get amongst it and enjoy.

The Canberra International Music Festival runs from Wednesday May 11 to Sunday May 22. For full program details go to www.cimf.org.au.

You Pissed Me Off

To the fuckwit who robbed me last week, you pissed me off! I’m sure in your moment of desperation you thought a smash and grab would secure some money for the next two weeks but not when you’re stealing my gay man bag and gay coin purse and other gay items you will have no use for and will make no quick money from.

When you smashed the door in and woke me up, you not only scared me; you pissed me off! The door was deadlocked, dude. You could at least have taken a few more items if you were going to go to the trouble of working the back door and then KICKING IN A DEAD LOCKED DOOR. What the fuck did your mum feed you growing up? Apparently nothing to develop your malnourished brain. You couldn’t have just smashed a window? Or learned how to not steal? Surely, that’s easier than kicking in a dead locked door.

I’m sure you probably think I’m better off than you and can afford to be robbed. Which is another reason why you’re such a fucking moron. Because you wouldn’t know how long I saved for the shit you stole, you wouldn’t know how important the music on the iPod you nabbed was to me (more than the device itself).

I hope you appreciate the 400 playlists I made for people over the years, contained on that iPod. But you won’t. Cause you’re a bastard.

You Pissed Me Off

To the two carloads of singlet-sporting dentist-dodging morons at the cnr of Alinga/Bunda St tormenting the poor car in front of them by trying to beep them through a red light... You Pissed Me Off. O sure, you redneck, buck-toothed knuckle scraping excuses for pond life might be all big and tough in your pack, but on your own my dead grandmother could school you. I’m sure you P-plate sporting fucktards had occasionally-appearing fathers that would put their cigarette butts out on your already tarnished features, and mothers that looked like one of the failed clones from Alien 4, but that does not give you the right to torment innocent people trying to get on with lives that are clearly lightyears better than yours. If you choke on your next methadone hit, the world won’t miss you.

For fuck’s sake, how much rubbish is there around these days? Did the Canberra Festival include a fucking Litter Fiesta or something? Surely your mothers told you... if you drop litter, you’re an arse clown. So stop being an arse clown.

You Pissed Me Off

To a certain collective of cheap, tacky clothing stores dressing Australian teenagers, you piss me off. You are solely responsible for making undeveloped girls look like they just stepped off the set of a porno. Seeing a 12 year old child sporting a midriff printed with ‘Miss Kick-Arse’ and the American flag makes me want to test out their shirt slogan with a hard slap to the face and, as for the muttons dressed as lambs who are like a weathered, old moth to your offensive pink lights, if I see another overweight arse in ‘jeggings’ I will – mark my words – wedgie them. The creators should dress themselves in the synthetic trash they’re trading and go stand too close to a fire.

- Yours, the Fashion Police

You Pissed Me Off

To a certain ACT stripper, I can’t believe you get paid to do what we witnessed at the Hen’s party on Saturday night. Rolling around on the floor while holding onto your coke-bottle glasses, then spreading your legs in the air while removing your Lowes G-String, revealing your sack AND crack was amazingly far from sexy. Also, I’m not an expert, but a ‘hardcore show’ means after handing your belt to the hen and offering your backside up for a whacking, you’re supposed to take it, not squeal and run away. Finally, sort out your music before entering instead of stopping completely nude to proclaim ‘Oh, I don’t do this song anymore’. Your uneven tan, inability to achieve basic rhythm, undercut, and a-typical nerd facial structure screamed ‘Virgin’. Know this… you have chosen the wrong path.

I hope this burns a hole in your retinas as severely as your outrageous act did to ours, perhaps even make you cry as your act did to the poor 18 year old girl who ran sobbing out of the room. Blame also goes to the boys who stitched us up by hiring you… so to the male collective involved in the whole thing - you pissed us off! Expect a fat-o-gram for the Buck’s.

You Pissed Me Off

AHHHHHHHHRRGGGGGHHHHH! I just want to kill you motherfucking jazz nazzis! Once again Ive ended up jamming with some of a certain jazz schools finest and again it degraded in a a total noodle fest of who can play louder, faster and more esoteric. Music should be like a conversation between instruments but time and time again the jazz nazzis show that they have no comprehension of anything other than the musical equivalent of a shouting match. It doesnt matter what instrument the nazzis play- Ive played with drummers, bass players, guitarists, trumpet and sax players and its been the same for the last seven years! Heads up assholes- the audience leaves when you play your self indulgent extended wanking solos for 10 minutes at a time. Other non- nazzi musos get pissed off cause there is not even a few beats to get a few notes in edgeways. Learn something about the value of rests- thats where you dont play. Learn something about taste in phrasing instead of how many notes can be crammed in a bar. Some attention to dynamics would be great too. Maybe think about your tone too, or even look up from your navel gazing to make eye contact with punters if there are any.

The continued attitude of self importance dissplayed by jaz nazzi players really shows that this is a learned trait- maybe some of their teachers should take a listen to what happens outside of the jazz school.

I was hoping to enjoy a jam but in the end all that happend was that YOU PISSED ME OFF!

You Pissed Me Off

To the silly slag that pissed me of last Friday at the primary school Christmas presentation evening.

What the fuck where you thinking when you interrupted a group of Kindy kids whom were trying to perform there end of year performance in front of there friends and family.

Oh that’s right Kindy kids……

Did you even stop to think that this is probably the first time they have ever performed in front of people you selfish D#*K HEAD.

I’m not to sure if you even realized that it was there performance and not your time to try and boost your lack of self confidence??

Did your pea size brain even realize that it was a skit.

Oh and to try and get the sympathy look by dragging your extremely over size headed child up with you….what the fuck?

Are you fucking retarded or just so self absorbed that you felt the need to promote your lack of insecurity in front of 200 plus people?

I really think you should go and smoke a bag of dicks you retarded S#*T BRAIN!!!

YOU PISSED ME OFF…..

You Pissed Me Off

To the two monumental douche-bags at the 2.40 screening of Skyline at Hoyts Belconnen on Tuesday the 16th you pissed me off!! And you have to know who you are because there were only 7 people in the whole cinema, only two of whom were glaring douches. Just because you will never know the gentle loving touch of either woman or man does not validate your talking all the way through a marginally decent movie ruining the scarce joy of everyone present. We all know that losers such as yourself have plenty of free time outside of the movie and your grueling masturbating to animated bondage schedule to talk incessently to your gormless air drumming sidekick. Also on the topic of air drumming, firstly, no one past the age of thirteen or with any ability on the drums does it , no less in public or in a cinema and secondly, doing it to THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS?? There is no excuse to like them outside of being a girl with the hots for Jared Leto and even then you watch the clips with the volume muted. Please, go back in time and strangle yourself in the womb. P.S. a little advice for life, it’s not that girls don’t get you it’s that you’re really insufferable. You Pissed me off.

You Pissed Me Off

To the miserable and semi-retarded goldfish of a man who rang for pizza around 6.30 on Saturday 6/11 and asked for my name not much longer after I had said ‘G’day thankyou for choosing XXX in Florey’ etc. I don’t know whether ur some weedy hypersensitive pond scum or just a pretentious customer service fuck, but either way I was not rude to you at all, just very concise due to the fact we were getting FUCKING SMASHED and I had to run to the office to answer ur call. Don’t give me ur bullshit– u work in the ‘industry’, you choose to come here instead of Kippax, YOU DON’T WANT FREE PIZZA (pfft). You just want ‘respect’. Your beggarly little complaining profession – or hobby, whatever – does not deserve mine or anyone else’s.

I hope God finally puts a stop to the flaccid little effort you call YOUR LIFE and you die of a painful brain aneurysm while placing your next ‘order’. Fuckwit

You Pissed Me Off

To all the people in the nosebleed section for Jet at the recent powderfinger concert, harden up and get with the program! Its a ROCK concert people!! If you're not there to jump around and make some atmosphere, make some room and dont be surprised when everyone next to you starts rioting when the epic chorus riffs hit! Go back to your  kingston cafe stool and listen to some Dido over caramel slice for christ's sake!

And to the STUUUUPPID woman who thought the mosh was a good place to bring her 6yr old daughter....  are you fkin serious lady?! Are you trying to clear the slate and get another baby bonus?

I'm all for people enjoying the music in their own way but GET WITH THE PROGRAM PEOPLE! The crowd is segregated for a reason and the front of a rock show is not for latte sipping douche bags and irresponsible mums dragging their soon to be trampled offspring! YOU ALL PISSED ME OFF!

You Pissed Me Off

To all the people in the nosebleed section for Jet at the recent powderfinger concert, harden up and get with the program! Its a ROCK concert people!! If you're not there to jump around and make some atmosphere, make some room and dont be surprised when everyone next to you starts rioting when the epic chorus riffs hit! Go back to your kingston cafe stool and listen to some Dido over caramel slice for christ's sake!

And to the STUUUUPPID woman who thought the mosh was a good place to bring her 6yr old daughter....  are you fkin serious lady?! Are you trying to clear the slate and get another baby bonus?

I'm all for people enjoying the music in their own way but GET WITH THE PROGRAM PEOPLE! The crowd is segregated for a reason and the front of a rock show is not for latte sipping douche bags and irresponsible mums dragging their soon to be trampled offspring! YOU ALL PISSED ME OFF!

You Pissed Me Off

To a girl name Monica.

You need to fucking back off from Harry. I saw him first! Stop talking to him because he is mine!

 If you dont stay away from him, I will tell your mum. Yeah, thats right, I went there!!!!

To all the dishonest jerk/s who don’t hand in property that is obviously lost and NOT YOURS!! I lost a camera and a wallet in the past week and have heard NOTHING! I have reported it everywhere (even the resatuarant/bars were not at all sympathetic, pissed me off!!), yeah it is a bit of carelessness from my side, but if I found a camera or wallet i’d hand it the fuck in! Whoever has kept this property or tossed my id and cards in the bin, KARMA IS REAL and i hope it comes to you in the most twisted fucked up way, fuckers. Just bloody hand them in to the police as then karma will be good to you, aaaarrr, pissed me off!

You Pissed Me Off

To everyone on Facebook

You pissed me off! And why? Cos you’re killing you pissed me off! The struggle of this section, a soap box for the obscenely aggrieved, of obtain content in recent months is because why should you go to the EFFORT OF AN EMAIL when you can pick up your web-enabled phone and fart your grievances at your world of FB friends?

Sure, most of your FB friends are tards you met at parties, friends of friends and vacant hotties you FBed to provide fresh masturbatory possibilities - but who cares? It’s not interaction you crave, it’s an audience for your petty frustrations; Slag stepped on your handbag dancing at Moosies? FB! Drunk bogan in the mosh? FB! Tool in a ute cut you off? Fumble for that iPhone.

But remember this - bitching on FB is a missed opportunity to get published here in street press! But a less wanker reason is maybe, just maybe, that sweaty bogan reads this column too.

You Pissed Me Off

Things that piss me off: over weight pedestrians blocking the CYCLE PATH and getting self righteous when they don’t hear the bell because they had their ipod stuffed deep into their fat ears.  Get the fuck off the cycle path and back on the footpath if you don’t like bikes passing you. The trekkie will die from type 2 diabetes before my organs get harvested, as will your flabby arse (thanks for owning up to that one). When a cyclist passes you they aren’t thinking “We are Gods, grovel before us you badly dress flabby puss bucket”,  they think “I wish this deaf wideload would get off the fucking CYCLE PATH." YOU PISSED ME OFF.

You Pissed Me Off

To the lycra enveloped cyclists who are too “cool” to use a bell before they sail past me you Piss me off! Do you think bells are gay? You couldn’t be more gay if you were being fucked in the bottom wearing your grandmothers wedding dress whilst singing the soundtrack from Yentl you cockspanking chromeplated knobgobblers. I know you have passed me because you stink of Pantene and Smug you leave in you wake. You may think that the impression you create is “We are Gods, grovel before us you badly dressed flabby puss bucket”, but if I were king of the world I would reinterpret that as “I have very healthy organs, please harvest them, and if possible, put my liver into the body of a 47 year old star trek fan who has devoted his life to drinking a lake of beer and believes that there is much good work still to be done”. When a truck or car crashes into a group of cyclists it is not an accident, this is Gods hand taking control of the vehicle and trying to prove there is a god exists. Well, God, if you do exist then you are not doing such a great job, up the body count and I will happily worship at a church of your choice. You piss me off, Die now.

You Pissed Me Off

I think parts of our judicial system, bureaucracy, the AFP and legislature are outmoded and archaic. What I witnessed happen in Woden Plaza today (to a kid, I might add) was totally appalling. When there's more police attendance for alleged petty theft by a minor (from a shitty, 3rd-world exploiting retail chain) than there is for the assault, battery and unlawful detention of said minor, we've lost sight of the big picture. 

I know it's part of the job requirement for security workers to be both WANKERS and DICKHEADS, but putting a school aged girl into a wrist lock and dragging her crying and yelping a good 600 metres from Hoyts to the store is entering the realm of absurdity. For a country that claims to be “liberal”, we sure do favour the rights of corporations over the rights of individuals. WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK about your two dollar sweatshop wares??? I, for one, definitely DO NOT - and I know I'm not alone. The icing on the cake was being ordered to leave the store when I explained to the staff and security that what they were doing was illegal. I just wish I could have told the girl (who they then detained in a closet, and refused to let me speak to) that her rights were being violated.

Bitch, manager of said third world exploiting chain, YOU PISSED ME OFF!!!!

You Pissed Me Off

Les Murray you really pissed me off,
when you watch Les
you listen to everything he says
he talks about Rooney
but looks like george clooney
his silver top, on the box
makes the soccer really rock!
oh wait, he’s awesome! he doesnt piss me off

To a certain pizza bar in Belconnen and its scumbag managers. A couple of mistakes on my 5th or 6th shift making pizzas cost u a bit of money,  boo-hoo . What about the times I went delivering getting paid pizza-making rates to save your sorry arses? Saying you would let me know ‘about the new roster’. That’s a fucking cryptic way of firing someone and u didn’t even call me anyway!? What’s worse, u give me these fairytale ‘customer complaints’ about my phone calls, fucking laughable guys. I’d rather not get paid peanuts to work alongside deadbeats who have the heads so far up their fucking arses they just don’t realise they’ll be rolling dough their whole lives. U PISSED ME OFF!

You Pissed Me Off

To the retarded chimps running the Belconnen Mall, your antics lately have been inconvenient and annoying but we lived with it because you had grand promises to make a better shopping environment. But you have finally, well and truly pissed me off. Introduction of paid parking on the weekends? You have got to be fucking kidding me. With the mall in the state of clusterfuck that it is right now, with foot traffic down a huge amount and shops closing all over the place, how dare you put more pressure on already struggling stores. It is honestly like you want people to stop coming to the mall. I hope you pay dearly for this action you inbred, mentally deficient fuckwads.

To the 17 year old muppets who managed to afford Diamond class seats at the Yusuf Islam concert. You pissed us off! You sat behind us making Beavis and Butthead noises throughout the concert. I was so tempted to punch you in the throat during Peace Train. Now that would have been sweet irony. Maybe one day you will get to see a real boob. All malice intended.  

You Pissed Me Off

Righto you lot. What’s the story? What happened to your stolen cars and bike lights, your consistently crap coffee and your unadulterated hatred for mature drivers? What happened to gnashing your teeth over nosebleed section bitches, shithead teachers and abusive hoodrats at Belconnen bus stops? What happened to your infernal hatred for the bastard who stole your park, the passive aggressive cyclist junkies, and, my personal fav, “the North Shore, private school educated, ex-boarding school yuppies with millionaire oil mogul parents who come to ANU and present like fucking HOMELESS PEOPLE”? Once again, where’s the hate Canberra? Or should I take this severe lack of YPMOs as a sign you’re finally lightening up, rather than flaring up at every single niggling annoyance that comes part and parcel with our milk-fed suburban Third World malaise? I don’t know, probs not, but either way, send me your words already. But not too many, as it PERTURBS ME SLIGHTLY when you send in essays. But only slightly.

You Pissed Me Off

To the vicious grandmother in the front row at James Zabeila. No one gives a right f*** that you were there for 5 hours waiting for him to play. We were all there for such a long time, your not the only one who has to wait. Just because you’re waiting doesn’t give you a right to fight everyone in the front row for a spot. Don’t push you? How about you don’t throw people around you fat pig. Everyone else was having an amazing time to his incredible music and you f***ing spoilt half the act. Thank god the bouncer had to throw you out! Next time, it is ok to try and bash the bouncer, but how about you don’t go kicking a 5 foot young girl and zabeilas computer on the way out? You should never be let into a venue again. The sight of your ugly face alone will wreck the evening for everyone. You piss me off!!!

To the judge who just sentenced a gay couple in Africa this week to 14 years for having a commitment ceremony.... why don’t you take your impotent dick and shove it up your closeted arse?? Why should other people pay for your lack of adventure in bed and sexual disfunction. Deal with it...

You Pissed Me Off

Dear *****,  the way you talk to me during work really hurts. I know I’m not as good as the other guys but they’ve been chefs for years. It’s just, when you call me a useless midget it makes me feel worthless and unloved. My mum tells me to just ignore it because you only do it to feel good about yourself but it’s hard because I look up to you. You don’t need to be so mean to me, you’re a chef not a drill sergeant. You pissed me off. Nathan.

To a certain Civic gym for being a pack of deaf shits. I swear if I hear ‘EVACUATE THE DANCEFLOOR!?!?!?’ or some utterly pathetic and unrenowned 80’s - 90’s pop crap (‘Pull up to the bumper’, WTF??) once more I am going to go on a rampage.  I dont know if you idiots around the table think that you are ‘satisfying the market audience’ or whatever but for $23.95 a week, you assholes have some nerve! I would rather toast my testicles than go to your epically crap ‘gym’ and listen to that musical dung. So go make me a sandwich. You wankers pissed me off!

You Pissed Me Off

To the pond dwellers who hurled abuse at my daughter and friends during their respite week outing to a Lyneham park. You pissed me off!  Is showering disabled kids with four letter words, whilst telling them to get back on their bus and back in their wheelchairs, your idea of fun?  Yours must be a very sad, angry life if the highlight of your day is abusing the disabled!

To the low-life person who stole my back bike light outside the school of music last night (April 20) while I was inside journeying to the heavens with the Brahms requiem. I just can't imagine how you could feel ok or justified in ripping off a light from a bicycle or in fact anything?  It wasn't even all that FLASHY not that that should matter. Please RETURN IT to the reception at the SM.  HOW APPALLING that there are people like you making the world a grasping, self-centred and compassionless place. LEARN SOME BASIC RESPECT ALL-TIME LOSER. Thanks to YOU we all have to BATTEN down our POSSESSIONS and write our NAME on everything in BIG TEXTA.  GO BACK TO YOUR OWN PLANET.

You Pissed Me Off

To the P-plater coast rat that gave me the finger when I was trying to merge, learn some road etiquette you dumb piece of shit. Just because I have ACT number plates doesn’t give you the right to act like a wanker on the road down the coast. Go home and fuck your step-sister dickhead, YOU PISSED ME OFF.

To the two vile skanks who abused me, my girlfriend and other commuters at a Belconnen bustop on Wednesday, 7th April. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU say racist shit to my girlfriend because she is asian! I struggled not to backhand you while u crapped on endlessly about how this was ‘your country’.  Australia is a country of 21 million people, and im sure they would rather see u buried alive than agree with your nonsense. You? Australian? Get fucked, anyone is more australian than an antisocial, dole-bludging crack addict who frequently scabs student discounts on buses with her 14 year old sidekick WHO DOESNT EVEN GO TO SCHOOL! You belong in a sewer you dirrrrrrrrrrrrrty fucking mole.

You Pissed Me Off

To the Nth shore private school educated, ex-boarding school yuppies who come to ANU, you piss me off every day of my fucking life. We all know that Mummy & Daddy are millionaire oil moguls, so stop presenting like a fucking HOMELESS PERSON. You are an insult to homeless people everywhere. Get a fucking job, put on some shoes, and stop meaninglessly supporting whatever pathetic third world cause has fallen in to your PRIVILEGED FUCKING LAP, in an attempt to make you feel good about your spoilt brat, self-absorbed piece of shit self. Also, you are not musically talented so move the fuck on. You are not special. Nobody likes you. YOU PISS ME OFF.

To the human parasites that stole my brothers car from Waramanga and then torched it-YOU PISSED ME OFF. He was doing me a favour and looking after my place, and then you pathetic fuckwits came along. I know that you must be angry that you were born with half-inch cocks, but that is no excuse to take it out on decent people. Karma is a bitch you gutless cowards and I would say that you’ll get yours, but you clearly already lead such sad little lives that there is probably no way you can get any lower.

You Pissed Me Off

TO the passive aggressive cyclist junkies who seem to think that all paths networks around town are solely for their use and their use only. You piss me off! The National Triangle promenades along the lake, both north and south, provide key recreational walking and cycling links for all. They are not only for puffed up megalomaniacs high on their own arse cracks. Cycling is fine! But if you’re going to be smelling your arse crack at high speed, in a heavily utilised area, then can I suggest that you belong on-road. Lots of people walk, ride, skip and hop around the lake and manage to respect each other whilst they do it. Why can’t you??

To a Certain Politician from a certain group of unnamed fanatical’s. I think I speak for every non-conservative in Canberra when I say.....HOLY FUCK YOU PISS ME OFF. STOP enforcing your twisted views on Canberra’s public, its narrow minded old fuckwits like you that make my job and my life one big fuck-off sized restraint. I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA..... FUCKING BOARDIES.   

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to the dear person that stole my phone on halloween.
best night of my life turned into the shittest, all because of you. you obviously have no conscious, no empathy towards other human beings, and you must have a really sick and perverted mind to send my parents pictures of my boyfriend. what the fuck is wrong with you? i hope you wake up in the morning and realise that your the scum of the earth, and i also hope that you know i think your a horrible waste of a child. find something better to do with your time scumbag, and may khama kick you little "wanna be cool" ass. fuck you, and may you enjoy my spongebob ringtone, fucker, you pissed me off.

You Pissed Me Off

To the deros that crashed and destroyed my car after stealing it on Friday night, you pissed me off! You should have done yourselves and this world a favour by either remaining in the car while it burned or becoming more seriously injured when you rammed it into that pole. Although you must already suffer from severe brain damage, it's possible that a harder hit to the head might have knocked some sense into the poorly arranged network of neurons that could only be a product of dole-bludger parents who smoked during the 9 month period before you were spawned into this world with the sole purpose of becoming an oxygen thief and permanent harasser of Centrelink staff at the expense of hard-working people like me. The only thing that pisses me off more than the existence of poor excuses for human beings like you is that I'm sure you'll be gracing the world with a few more ignorant deadbeat children that your smackie girlfriend will shit out. From the bottom of your ugh boots to the top of your bong, I loathe you. Kindly FOAD.

You Pissed Me Off!

To the short man in the bar at Charlotte Pass. Maybe my mum pushed in front of you, maybe she didn't, either way its pretty clear that she didn't mean to and besides everyone got their hot chocolate in the end. Was it really necessary to swear at her in front of my little sisters? Did you really need to approach her afterwards and abuse her about it? Her hot chocolate went cold because she was in the toilets crying. You made my mother cry you cunt! I hope it made you feel tall.

To all the retarded middle aged inhabitants of the inner north that fail dismally at simple tasks like ordering a coffee, you piss me off, every, single weekend. When your friendly and attentive wait staff tells you we're out of something, don't respond with "seriously?" Do you think I'd say it just to see your dumb as fuck reaction? It's great that you earn a small fortune and drive a Subaru, but just because I don't doesn't make me a lesser person. I can spit in your coffee so try being polite some time.

You Pissed Me Off!

To the yeast infected douche bag that broke into my car tonight. I hope it was worth every bit, i hope you sleep well, i hope your own mother drops the toaster in the bath while your washing your acne covered back.  Your a piece of dried dog shit and according to your doctor the only recorded anal baby in history; at least 8 'quooreks' in weight. I hope you cut your eyes on the glass and someone shoves a cactus wrapped in rusty barbed wire in your tiny choade. I would keep a pile of plague infected rats alive before i would begin to contemplate helping you, you low life scum bag. I hope life leaves you with a face like a bucket of smashed crabs. Finally i hope you can take what life has to give you, like a man...in jail!  

This is for the bloody fool's that work for a certain bus company who made us wait three fucking hours for a bus yesterday!!! You knew the bus had broken down at 12pm and made us wait till fukin 3pm and my phone call to tell us. Also the driver that I asked to inquire over the radio for us and said I DUNNO and looked at me like I had fukin five heads, I hope your arse gets stranded somewhere in the near future.

You Pissed Me Off

To the narc of last issue's 'you pissed me off'...your final sentence traumatised my 'very young mind' more than letterbox explosives at the GHASTLY hour of 9:30pm ever could. Butterfly knife? Scattered bloody remains? Good heavens! It was YOU who killed the Lin family wasn't it!! When they stole your solar lights/badged your car/tricked you with a knock'n'run!! But those sneaky devils had it coming didn't they! Jesus, go hang out with Captain Hook or the Grinch or something. Square.

To all the Canberra parking inspectors. Your reliability pisses me off. If anyone has leave to be bad at their job for the good of the public it's you. Instead, your recent pick-up in job competence has put me $500 out of pocket thanks to the six tickets since the start of the year that I'm almost certain required you to wait in the bushes while I ducked into a café for five minutes. Take your work-efficiency down a notch, you bastards.

You Pissed Me Off

To the weak, cowardly, immature and unintelligent motherfucker who had the nerve to put a stick of dynamite in my neighbour's letterbox tonight:

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING AT? What gives you the right to disrupt the peace of an entire suburb at 9:30 on a Thursday night? EVERY SINGLE PERSON in this street is either a child, or has a child. You have probably traumatized some very young minds, you fuckwits. And the second explosion just furthered your pitiful "fun night out". And what pisses me off most is that you will probably go uncaught. But don't worry, karma will most certainly catch up on you. And if not, I will stab you repeatedly with a large butterfly knife until there is nothing left but scattered, bloody remains where a pathetic excuse for a human being once stood.

You Pissed Me Off

Au contraire wolf-friend don’t you even go there! Maybe it is you who needs to quit your whining and turn da heater up for the sake of roomateship. Is it too much to ask that when you are INSIDE you don’t have to still be dressed as if you were OUTSIDE. Battling the elements is all a sister can do to not catch her death. Don’t let me have to skool yo’ ass in summer now.

---

To the whores at The Basics gig who pretend that school was out for the night; you’re awful human beings. Britney has been there and done that, and makes a better school girl turned cock fanatic than you’ll ever be. To one in particular, your five year old brother is missing his backpack. How do I know? Because you had the fucking thing jammed up against me all night. You had no right to drag a good astronaut like Buzz Lightyear into your quest to be Canberra’s biggest whore baller. I understand you’re probably an undersexed ressie kid’s wet dream, but when no one shows an interest, that isn’t an invitation to thrust your been-around-town tits harder. Date for your diary: Summernats.

You Pissed Me Off

To all the people who talk loudly and incessantly in cinemas, shut the fuck up! What is wrong with you? Can't remember you're shopping list? Can't you hold in your "witty" and "informative" bile till after? (yes I remember you wankers from Manuka cinema watching The Dark Knight- the whole fucking 3 hrs with such nuggets as "Hospitals don't blow up like that!" NO FUCKING WAY! I bet your girl swooned at the manly knowledge you have gained from blowing up letterboxes!)

Sir Sko et al,
It's been too much, I need to get this out. At least it's a bit of a return to brevity from the long-winded ones that have been rather frequent of late: Housemate: this is the Canberra winter so instead of blasting the heater and complaining about the cold, how about you put a jumper on over that t-shirt? You and your spoilt-child like ways really PISS ME OFF.

You Pissed Me Off

Fuck you to a certain ACT sports team and the ho-train you rode in on!!!  I don't understand what's wrong with the members that inhibits them from being able to drink/celebrate/have fun (or live/breathe/exist) without being socially inept fuckbags!! After every game you play, you bring your huge heads to dickson and trash up our bars, then onto the rest of the city when you get kicked out. Noone really thinks you are cool, those that do are just as sad as you are. I think you should be all kept in a cage! Take a good hard look at youselves, you pissed me off!

To the little Wah Wah who decided to rag on the local metal heads last issue about not suppoting the support bands. Are you fucking gaggin me? Clearly the metal scene is slowly decaying, therefore those of us attending the gigs are supporting the whole existence of the genre locally. So feel free to start your evenings in the pit, with any luck the ceilings you spoke of will cave in and squash your peseant arse. Those of us sitting back enjoying a beer will gladly appluad the free entertainment! you pissed me off!

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Unhappy in my Hoodie on a Saturday... To the sound guy who murdered Bliss’n’Eso on Saturday night - you pissed me off!! Hellen Kellar could have done a better job of using her listening and observation skills to note that the mix was completely screwed and all that could be heard further than ten rows back was the sound of the MCs doing their thing, with the awesome
atmospheric backing tracks and samples that make Bliss’n’Eso so great, barely audible. The Pez set went off and sounded great, the crowd was charged for a big one and then the incompetence of one dude screwed it all!

To people who go to Heavy Metal concerts and don’t support the support bands – you piss me off! The dance floor was stiffer than a one night stand - but not in a fun way! It was the first time I heard that support band and it was a surprise how good they
were. The ceilings are high at that venue – so you don’t hit your head jumping up and down in the Moshe Pit!

You Pissed Me Off!

To the immoral, perfidious, treacherous, vile, sordid, snivelling, despicable THIEF who stole my 21st birthday present from Kremlin Bar on May 23, may your whole house be infested with termites, your mattress fill with lice, your refrigerator blow a gasket, and your dermatologist proclaim your case hopeless! May your mates realise you’re as annoying as a mosquito, your favourite brand of cheap deoderant be discontinued, your National Bank of Dad file for bankruptcy, and all your condiments go mouldy! For that is what you stole from me when you assumed that sparkly bag contained booze, when in actual fact it was full of jam! Scrumptious fig jam, delectable fig and lime jam, and (my favourite) fig chutney, made with boundless love and dexterous care by a wonderful woman and cherished friend, the likes of whom you will never have the pleasure of knowing! So I do hope you’re enjoying my birthday present and didn’t just ditch it when you realised you couldn’t get sloshed on stolen goods. Spread it on thick you loathsome cockroach, but may your toast be burnt forever.

You Pissed Me Off

Brainless Bicycle Haters
This is to the couple of twats that thought it was a great idea, with almost no other cars on the road, to closely accelerate high speed past my bicycle (which at the time was only travelling 12kph) on Sunday Morning 08:40 08/02/09 on Eastern Valley Way, endangering my life for no fucking reason.  When I got to the intersection lights that were 50 metres ahead, which you had just slammed on the breaks to stop at, you angrily started swearing at me through the window telling me I was ‘in your lane’. I had been in a good mood, it was a nice day... so tell me, how was my little bicycle a danger to you? I was obeying the road rules, and also riding very close to the gutter, you haemorrhoidal sphincters. The roads are government roads; you don’t own any lane. You and your mate seem to think that bicycles can’t ride on the side of the road? Markers at the previous intersection even indicate it’s a bicycle lane. Read the fucking road rules you dumbass pieces of chicken shit. How your Mum managed to get enough brain-cells together to buy you that vomit white 4wd you were begging for because you wank with tweezers, is beyond me. It’s a sad indictment of ACT’s road authority and police that an apathetic, useless, venereal tick fart like you who has no clue about the value of life on this planet, has actually managed to get behind the wheel and treat transport like it’s a killing machine.

You Pissed Me Off!

ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

Dearest cunt-faced neighbour,
Early tomorrow morning I am going to break into your house and:
a) make you shelve that plastic world tour drum kit
b) cut off both your arms (so you can’t even play ‘love bites’) and
c) paint a clock on your TV screen where the time will always be two minutes to you-are-still-not-Neil-fucking-Peart you fuck head.
It’s after midnight on a fucking Tuesday, it’s FINALLY cool enough to sleep and, even after 13 attempts, you still haven’t got the rhythm of ‘Ramblin’ fucking Man’.
Shut the fuck up. SHUTTHEFUCKUP! shut . the fuck . up.

This one goes out to all the fuck wits in canberra who cant drive to save their lives. you piss me off to the fullest! you’ll be driving along then decide to slow down casually and just drift into another lane or suddenly turn with out even indicating! who the fuck taught you how to drive? my 12 year old sister knows the road rules better than you! indicators are designed for a reason, that reason is safety, and could even possibly be your life, i hope the next time you dont indicate someone miss reads your actions and crashes into you and you die a horrible death, you dont own the fucking roads dick head! another thing that pisses me off to the fullest is the pathetic middle age men that drive up along beside you when they notice your a P plater female, and nod and smile and even try to race you, its like, seriously, are you kidding, your old and your driving a piece of shit ford laser, your really think im even going to notice you for a second? fuck. stupid, pathetic, pedo creeps, get a fucking life and learn how to drive, or if i see you doing that shit again ill crash into you myself.

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to the editor and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief!

You Pissed Me Off!

ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

To the low life scum who decided to walk into my store at 5 past 4pm on boxing day when the the door was half pulled down, you fucking pissed me off you complete turd burger. The store was obviously closed you moron. Clearly you are just one of those completely inconsiderate bitches who thinks that my every purpose in life is to find a tacky pair of 50 dollar shoes for your fat, ugly, bunion deformed foot, but for fucks sake, its boxing day and Christmas time…you would think for once in your life you could try not to act like a total shithead. But then you went and fucking pissed me off beyond belief by calling at 9 the next day asking for a refund…OH FUCK YOU its a sale item u absolute wanker!

To the morons that I deliver pizza to every night of the goddam week: I’m glad you’re eating that pizza. I hope you develope heart problems and pass away before you have the chance to spawn any equally stupid offspring. No, I can’t change your $100 bill you stupid twat. They told you on the phone I carry $20 in change. No, you can’t decide only when I arrive at your house that you want a garlic bread and have me “pop back and pick one up”. Reason? You live in Kambah you git. No, when I saw a snarling greyhound behind your fence I didn’t think it worthwhile to take the chance that he’s “actually really friendly”. If you were holding two pizzas and were confronted with a vicious dog between yourself and the door of the house, what would you do? Would you assume it’s actually friendly? I don’t think so, you degenerate venerial disease-ridden scumbot. The fact that you’re as dumb as a rat’s arse and actually have the money to live in premises with electricity and running water simply astounds me. You fucking pissed me off.

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to the editor and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief!

You Pissed Me Off

ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

To the smug morons who call up my work and ask to speak to their financial advisors as if they’re the only client that their advisor has, you piss me AND your fucking advisor off. I pick up the phone, “hi, could I speak to David please” you say. Fair enough, nothing too fuckwity about that. “Sure, may I ask who’s speaking?” “It’s John”, “John who?” “He’ll know who it is.” Oh will he? Do you really think that you’re so fucking important that your advisor is going to know EXACTLY who the fuck you are?! Especially if I just say “oh, John is on the line.” It’s not like you’re name is fucking Nabuidal – there aren’t too many of them going around. Why the fuck is it so hard to give a receptionist your second name, and why are you so fucking unwilling to give it to me?! Oh yeah, I forgot, despite the fact that I’m 20 years old and am so fucking smart that the best job I can get is a receptionist, it nevertheless means that if you actually give me your first AND second name, then I might commit some type of identity theft. Yeah, that’s right, I’m an expert identity thief who is fronting as a receptionist in a two-bit financial advisory firm. But thankfully, you’re so fucking clued-up that you could tell that the only reason I asked for your second name was so I could then use my magical kniving powers to steal your bank details out of fucking nowhere. It wasn’t REALLY so that I could just save both yours, mine, and your advisor’s time. You fucking pissed me off!

To all the pregnant women who come into my restaurant and think that because they’re pregnant they can get whatever they want, even if it’s FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE for us to do it - you pissed me off! You can’t have too much salt IN your steak? Do you think we can take the salt OUT of the fucking steak?! Go home and cook your own food, you irresponsible, self-centred bitch. You fucking pissed me off!

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send it in through the form below and have your sweet, sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief!

You Pissed Me Off

To all Canberra real-estate agents, you didn’t just piss me off, you FUCKING pissed me off. You have “open houses” for 10-15 minutes and to bad if you’re 1 minute late, you take applications and never call people back. You’re all money hungry bastards who invade the privacy of anyone who is unfortunately looking for a place to live. Group certificate? Bank statement? 4 verbal references? Written references? Current payslip? Why the fuck do you need all this? And if I don’t give it to you I’m passed up for some other poor sucker who’s assumed the position. And a big fuck you to real-estate agents that sit on properties waiting for people to get desperate and start offering above the asking price. Fuck you that I can’t afford the extra $50 per week above what’s asked so you can go out and buy another pair of ray bans, standing there at the apartment door, pants at your ankles, grinning, ready for the next unfortunate soul to walk in, a wod of $50 notes to clean yourself up with after. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say. YOU PISSED ME OFF.

To the absolute wankers who called me at my desk from the bottomr floor of my building this week and said this ‘ Um it appears as if both lifts arent working?! have other people arrived?.” To which I wanted to reply “No no one but me and I got high and flew up! its the only WAY!!- BUT I UNDERSTAND IT IS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION AND I WANT YOU TO REMAIN CALM! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I GOT UP HERE YOU LAZY ASSHOLES!?!??! before there were lift’s there were stairs and before theire were stairs there WERE BRAINS but obviously you missed out because you were too busy waiting for the FUCKING LIFT! and when you got up here you look at me with this sad desperate face and say ‘ I HAD TO TAKE THE STAIRS’ to which i WANTED to reply ‘ oh dude are you alright?!?!!! the rest of us just flew?!’ Fucking LAZY fucktards. Im breaking the lifts every day from now on. It will change your life.

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial@bmamag.com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

You Pissed Me Off

To the fucking wanker who whinged about the fucking wanker in the fat fucking ugly 4WD last issue.
If you think looking down your top (which is obviously cut low so you will get noticed by the opposite sex) is the only action he’ll ever see you obviously dont realise that even though it may have been his sister, the ugly overweight stupid bitch whore of a girlfriend probably gets her freak on every night because 4WD driving hillbillies dont have much else to do. Dont write into a magazine if your going to contradict yourself. You pissed me off…

To the ignorant, rude and self centred people who’s petty & trivial complaints were published in this column in Issue 310.  You fuckwits pissed me the fuck off.  How dare you think that some guy looking down your top is a reason to write into BMA and abuse the poor fella and his girlfriend?  What sort of social reject are you?  The guy at the lights was probably doing you a favour you stupid slag - maybe you should put your gross tits away.  And to the tard whinging about a car parking space - get over it you fucking flog. There are more important things in life to worry about than your little day to day complaints - and you wasted a good minute of my time making me read them, and write this.  So fuck youse…

To all you writing about getting pissed off, you pissed me off! maybe people in canberra treat u like shit becuase they can tell your all fucking retarded! maybe they can tell your a pasive agressive pussy that will try to get back at them in a magazine! grow some balls or shut the fuck up Ohh that dick was rude to me, BMA will here about this! You piss me off !!!!!!!!!

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial [at] bmamag [dot] com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

You Pissed Me Off

To the fuck-ugly pin-headed whore who abused me in the street for no good reason, YOU PISSED ME OFF. What the fuck gives you the right to speak to anyone in the manner you spoke to me? I don’t care what else might be going on in your life, to belittle a stranger in the street is not OK.

For your trouble I wish upon you hurt of the worst kind. I hope you contract syphilis from whoring around town as you quire obviously do on a daily basis, and that your shit eating boyfriend recognises you for the gigantic slut you are. I wish pain upon you and upon any malformed, incestuous offspring who emerge from your disease-riddled cunt.

To people who leave answering machine messages along the lines of: `Hey, it’s Geeeeee calling for Jurrrrrrrr and my number is Urrrrrrrrrr.’ Please, pixies, if you can abbreviate with text, you can enunciate on the phone. It’s not hard. Try this for starters. `Hi, it’s Jenny here, leaving a message for Brian. Bri, baby, you are a total sex god and if you don’t call me back within the hour, this message will self destruct. Happy birthday for 29 September, cutie pie! My number is XXX…I said, my number is XXX…’ I would, of course, leave home, work and moby numbers for a mission as important as this.

To girls who see white tiles and think `true confessions’. I have, of late, spent a penny at some of the `better’ public toilets around Civic. When I go to public toilets, I generally have a specific purpose in mind. It is not to hear intimate details of what you got up to with your boyfriend the night before last, what you think of the workmate who didn’t join you for lunch and how you feel about your latest bout of acne, PMS, thrush, sciatica, whatever. Please – ladies – keep your voices down and let me go to the toilet in peace. Know that naff American saying `too much information?’ You have crossed it – big time.

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial [at] bmamag [dot] com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

You Pissed Me Off

To people in general because the world is becoming full of rude fucking assholes who think they can abuse and be fuckheads to people on a daily basis.

To people who ring up my work and think you can abuse the fuck out of us, learn some fucking manners, or didn’t your bitchwhore of a mother ever teach you them? Learn them or we are not going to deal with you.

To the fucking wanker in the fat fucking ugly 4WD at the lights in Jammo who advised that ‘he wasnt trying to be rude or anything but he can see down my top’ with a fat ugly smirk on his face while his ugly overweight stupid bitch whore of a girlfriend laughed on, I dont really give a fuck what you can and cant see and moreover you shouldnt be fucking looking you ugly fucker. Take a good look while you can because that’s the only action you’ll ever be seeing you buttugly fuck face. The only reason you get a kick out of looking down other peoples tops is because that’s the most tit you’re ever going to see because you’re clearly a stupid fucking wanker who doesn’t know how to treat women and wouldn’t know his dick from his face. You pissed me off fucker.

To the people in huge fucking cars that park in spaces in Civic that are clearly marked ‘SMALL CARS ONLY’. Since WHEN is a Fucking Landrover a SMALL CAR??! Since WHEN is a Stationwagon a SMALL CAR?! Since WHEN is a fucking Jeep a SMALL CAR?! Either get your eyes checked or learn how to read and stop being so arrogant you fuckers. You all fucking piss me off.

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial [at] bmamag [dot] com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

You Pissed Me Off

To all the people that live in canberra… stop complaining about the winter weather! its canberra for fucks sake..what more do you expect living here? MOVE if you dont like it. put some clothes on, use the heater that is freely available in every house and get the fuck over it.. =)

I decided to visit your establishment on the fact that your restaurant seems to be consistently packed, I was severely mistaken. I wanted a pizza and decided to finally visit your well known pizzeria. I ordered the No.7 with ham and bocconcini hoping to receive a pizza worth the $20 you charged me, but i was VERY sadly mistaken. The pizza i received was mediocre at best. It contained undercooked chicken, no visible ham products and the cheese (including anything that might resemble mozzarella” in bottled sauce form that made me want to vomit from the first bite, in fact, i could not finish this terrible monstrosity you call a pizza and spewed around 30 minutes later. You people disgust me, you call this food? I have not felt this bad EVER after eating even a domino’s or pizza hut pizza but this piece of crap actually made me vomit.  You act like a classy joint so why don’t you make food that is somewhat edible?  Because you don’t know what the hell you are doing. The people you employ obviously have never made a pizza in their lives so why the hell are you charging me $20 for this crap? Honestly, if i were in your position i would fire everyone in that joint and start fresh with someone who knows how to cook!. It’s simple, sell EDIBLE food or piss off somewhere else and sell your second rate crap on the side of a highway somewhere. I will from now on actively boycott your crap shack at every opportunity. YOU PISSED ME OFF!

This is to a small group of regulars at a certian inner-city pub…YOU PISSED ME OFF… Why is it that after having a drink or two before I catch a bus home that I get a bad feeling that I’m not welcome? Is it because I drink alone and therefore someone that should be ignored or made fun of? For many years I thought that this was one of the only pubs in Canberra where all sorts could meet and enjoy a drink or two. I’m hoping that this is not the case and I guess that for those few who have made me feel unwelcome….You pissed me off.

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial [at] bmamag [dot] com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

You Pissed Me Off

Pedestrians - so you crossed da road without getting totalled - your job doesn’t end there. If you emerge from between da parked cars, find da footpath, start da strut and then get Mack Daddy whacked by another pedestrian, person with a trolley, bicycle, or kid - well tough tiddies, you probably didn’t see them coming, cos like da road, da pavement has flow and direction too, don’t get caught like a kangaroo in headlights - czech yourself before you wreck yourself!

The person that stole my friends Hula hoop from the Pot Belly Bar on Monday the 17 July, You Pissed me off! What makes you think you have the right to just go around taking other peoples belongings? She was nice enough to let you and your friend have a go with it and you thank her by walking out the door with it? Nice. Just because it is a Hula Hoop and you think it is only toy, does not stop you from being a common thief! I urge you to return it to the place from where you took it. Other wise may the wrath of one million angry Hula Hoops rain down on you in a painful spinning fashion.

Winter: while you do give me the opportunity to bust out some rather fetching coat/scarf combos, you piss me off sometimes. My nose has been running like a hydrant all week! Like The Damned, I’m sick of being Sick. Come on Spring!

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial [at] bmamag [dot] com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

You Pissed Me Off

To the four nazi skinheads who mugged my seventeen year old brother at the civic bus interchange, you really pissed me off. Why don’t you little pussy boys step out from behind the swastika and pick on someone your own size instead of having four misguided old fucks against one boy. If you don’t like that Australia is a multicultural place then you bitches are in the wrong country. I have an idea. Next time you want a bit of extra cash why don’t you let go of your bowling ball shaped, shiny heads and grow your hair out a bit and get a real job and earn your money instead of stealing it from a seventeen year old boy. We all know what happened to the last psychotic fuckwit that hid behind the swastika and I hope that you pathetic excuses for human beings suffer the same fate. You nazi skinhead cunts really pissed me off!!!

to the scum thieves who brake into cars and steal what doesn`t belong to them you are scum of the earth,you are mold,a fungus,a defect that was created in human society,a menice to society,aform of rabies that cannot go away,i hope that when you do brake into cars the owner comes out and catches you and brakes every bone in you narrow minded,immature and irrespectable body, or here`a great idea: you need to be tortured till you die of pain or loss of blood,start small with the toes and fingers… …then with your skeleton,throw down a mine shaft so you will never be found. YOU KNOW wHO YOU ARE AND YOU FUCKING PISS ME AND ALOT OF OTHEr PEOPLE OFF….

To the unsightly woman who believed it was appropriate to yell at her young daughter and first aid staff at Coles after said daughter had fallen out of a trolley and cut open her head.  Perhaps you should have taken your daughter to see a medical professional, instead of continuing to yell at your daughter whilst continuing your shopping and thinking only of yourself.  Some people should not be mothers.  YOU PISSED ME OFF!!!

You Pissed Me Off

To all the pigs at shopping centre food courts that leave their rubbish for someone else to clean up, you DISGUST me. What do you think it is, a fucking gourmet restaurant? Use your common sense for once! Do you really enjoy having to sit next to some kids mushed up half eaten happy meal or move someone else’s filthy slimy rubbish so you can use one of the scarce free tables? Did you notice that rubbish bin? You know, the one within arms lengh from your table, or the one that nearly nearly tripped up your inconsiderate forethought lacking dumb arse as you wandered from your table. You’re not the only person in world so clean up your fucking mess.

Yeah, you pissed me off you dumb shithole Canberrans!!  I went to one of the best gigs of my life last week and saw the Resin dogs at the ANU.  Yeah I was blown away by their sounds, professionlised by their professiolism, and partied like it was 1999, but I live in the knowledge that I’ll never see them here again.  Why?  Because you didn’t turn up! I’ve done the maths, and you morons don’t go and see live music, so they won’t come back.

To the complete fuckmelt of a human being who felt compelled to destroy my face at wearhouse because i knew someone who said something to your brother. Go fuck yourself and burn in hell. No you’re not built, your just a fat shit with a brain like a brick floor - and only you would shake my hand and hit me. If it wasn’t for the people who actually went to the effort to mail my shit back to me that you took from me i would have hunted down your fat pale arse and inserted another cinder block into your fucking mouth. You gravy chip shitdick, you pissed me off.

To the moron who flooded the ANU bar causing the cancellation of Sebastian Bach’s gig - accident or not - you pissed me off! (ED: Actually, a rogue spotlight is believed to have been the culprit in this case, so blame technology. That, and The Man. Always blame the man…)

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial [at] bmamag [dot] com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

You Pissed Me Off

Hey, Canberra drivers. HAYDEN DRIVE IS A FUCKING 80 ZONE!! You pussy-footed pack of flaming douchebags who go 60 really PISS ME OFF!!!

I went to the Helmet gig knowing that Page Hamilton was the only original member left… Page Hamilton’s reputation as a taskmaster was why I expected to see a great show. How wrong I was! How can he be proud of what I saw at that gig? Page Hamilton did nothing but act like a washed up rock whore trying to enjoy the pipe dream remnants of his once great career. Whilst insulting the crowd, and ignoring everyone apart from the wheeler-dealer music staff, he kept wasting time trying to get chicks to buy him alcohol. I went to the gig to hear music but it seemed that he would prefer to get drunk and talk more than actually play! After every song it was another beer and more time wasted talking! What happened to having respect for a crowd that paid $55 each to see a show? Apart from Page himself, it felt like I was watching a Helmet covers band. They weren’t the crisp, concise players that Page could have employed. This is probably my fault for expecting that that Page was a professional with enough cred to put together an act which would give authenticity to his jazz playing roots. After seeing them live I feel that no one wants to play with him and these suckers are getting paid a lot of money to be up on stage to be insulted. When the local dancing girls got up on stage any nuance of integrity I had for Page disappeared. I’m sure that what I write will contradict the review at the end of this mag but what I saw on stage wasn’t Helmet but one pretentious wanker who won’t reach any further great heights in his career. It was never going to be the same as seeing the original Helmet at the height of their career, but at least he could have respected real fans. Page Hamilton you did piss me off!!! But to quote Stevo: I’m not angry… just disappointed… which is always far worse

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial [at] bmamag [dot] com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief!

You Pissed Me Off

To those idiotic protesters who think it’s justifiable to bludge off Centrelink in order to hang around at the roo cull crying pointless emo tears of woe over a TINY FRACTION of the kangaroos culled in Australia ALL THE TIME, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO HOME. It’s easy to protest kangaroo culls in your comfortable Canberra homes! If you really want to stop them happening, why don’t you picket all the Governments who allow the practice - so the ENTIRE COUNTRY - about it? Maybe because that would mean actually DOING something instead of sitting around wearing animal suits (you fucking furries) and trying to release the wrong ones (FAIL). You PISS ME OFF. Like BURNING.

To the chauvinistic, redneck army pig studying International Relations: Reiterating your subjective and unsubstantiated arguments in a tutorial is not only intensely painful for all those who have to listen to your incoherent ramblings, but also inhibits the possibility of any genuine independent, intellectual discussion! It is people like you who are perpetuating global conflicts, as you seek to destroy other cultures and societies through your rapacious neo-liberal approach. So put your aviators back on and be a ‘real’ man and totter over to Iraq, where I hope you get blown to pieces in your quest for global economic dominance. You pissed me off!

To the sour wannabe actress who recently shared a hospital room with one of my mates: I hear you lost your belly button in surgery! Do you think that might be karma for the inexcusable way you played mind games with a critically ill patient? Or the way you lied and complained until our friend was not allowed visitors? Maybe you were jealous… I can sure understand why nobody would want to visit your poisonous ass! You were overheard whining that now you can’t fulfil your dreams of being an actress, please be assured whatever the future holds for you, it will be full of misery and loneliness with an attitude like yours. You Pissed Us All Off! Apparently you pissed of the nurses too! It wasn’t an accident that your new room mate was an old deaf woman with dementia! Suck on that you vile waste of space!

You Pissed Me Off

To the illiterate fuck whose letter appeared in the most recent issue of BMA, YOUR RIDICULOUS GRAMMAR AND JUVENILE ATTITUDE PISSED ME OFF. My retinas physically burned whilst attempting to interpret your poor spelling and awful sentence structure. Furthermore, anonymously bagging out someone for lacking breasts is not dissimilar to an occurrence I witnessed during my most recent visit to the National Zoo and Aquarium; two Colobus Monkeys hurling poo at each other. Go back to high school for this kind of exasperatingly futile bitchiness. While you are there, consider paying attention in English as an alternative to evidently blowing your teacher in order to achieve a pass. For wasting my time with your pseudo angry rant, I hope your face is chewed off by flesh eating piranhas.

To the smart-arsed chinese supporter at the olympic torch relay who gave a double single-finger salute to those supporting the tibetan cause: If I ever see your fucking face around this town, you’ll get a flaming torch shoved up your arse! And to all the other chinese torch supporters shouting ‘bullshit’: you are low-life scum! Have you even been to Tibet to see the havoc being wreaked on a peaceful and beautiful culture by your government? I doubt it. Well I have. You piss me off, turds!

To the boys formerly of Erindale College. Thanks for coming to The Butterfly Effect, no really. You managed awesomely to be the group that everyone wishes would fuck off and die and NEVER come to a live show again. Thanks for ruining the mosh, thanks for smashing into girls half your size, thanks for trying to make a death pit during slow tempo songs, you really managed to show your intellect. It’s only through sheer luck that you all didn’t get punched in the face, I wish you all had. Thanks for basically being a bunch of scum bags. YOU PISSED ME OFF!!!

To Da other person pissed off about glass bottles in The Can - RIGHT ON! Duck’n’weaven to swerve that shit is all a sista can do to protect her wheels. Put your rubbish in the bin, we needn’t live with your shards of shit all over the streets. Observe - that’s a double pissed-off from two BMA readers, you lazy arse drinkers!

You Pissed Me Off

The ancient one!! Look dude.. U have taken the time out of ur o so high and mighty existence to bag the fuck out of every1 u possibly can. Now why don’t u take ur own advice and enjoy yourself cause clearly u don’t have anythin better to do than rat out on others individuality! Every1 conforms to somethin. I would b extremely surprised if ur case differed! Every1 is entitled to their opinion yes. It is the YOU PISSED ME OFF column yes. However, I do not agree in the necessity of ur fellow Canberrans having to read ur trash! Lighten the fuck up mate and look at the big picture. U may b in denial about bein ancient but don’t bag on we youths for doin what we do. I’m no goth, I’m no emo, I’m no punk, I’m no druggo, I’m no ‘billabong’, I’m no yuppie. I’m a 20 year old chick tryin to make an honest living and person out of myself but more importantly I’m a youth makin the best out of life. U should do the same! From The Young One

To the illiterate fuck whose letter appeared in the most recent issue of BMA, YOUR RIDICULOUS GRAMMAR AND JUVENILE ATTITUDE PISSED ME OFF. My retinas physically burned whilst attempting to interpret your poor spelling and awful sentence structure. Furthermore, anonymously bagging out someone for lacking breasts is not dissimilar to an occurrence I witnessed during my most recent visit to the National Zoo and Aquarium; two Colobus Monkeys hurling poo at each other. Go back to high school for this kind of exasperatingly futile bitchiness. While you are there, consider paying attention in English as an alternative to evidently blowing your teacher in order to achieve a pass. For wasting my time with your pseudo angry rant, I hope your face is chewed off by flesh eating piranhas.

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial [at] bmamag [dot] com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

You Pissed Me Off

To the skanky hoe that thinks shes better than everyone else, but still feels the need to sleep with every boy she gets her hands on. Or at least lead them on very well. We feel sorry for you because you think it makes u look popular but every knows what a dirty skank you are. Grow some boobs, and grow out of your five year olds body. While your at it fix your nose, a nose bigger then you boobs is not such a hot look. And whats with these one night stands you seem to be known for? Is it because your just so apauling at anything that you have to run away after one time so the poor boys that have to have you beneath them dont realise how crap your really are. You cant expect to change unless you actully try. Start keeping your hands to yourself, your mouth and your legs closed and maybe you will get somewhere. We wish you luck with it because it seems such a shame that everyuone is being subjected to the simple foolishness that is your life. YOU CONTINUALLY PISS US OFF. STOP BEING SUCH A DIRTY MOLE.

What is the deal with ewoks trying to eat my hair? Those little blaggards can’t leave it alone!

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial [at] bmamag [dot] com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.

You Pissed Me Off

To all the whining, whingeing, complaining f**kwits who consistently air their petty f**king grievances via the “YOU PISSED ME OFF” column for the last f**king ten years (not to mention the bad spelling). YOU ALL HAVE PISSED ME OFF!!!!! Stop bitching and moaning you bunch of nancy boys and girls. Get off your collective asses and do something about it, or toughen the f**k up.

This f**king EMO culture has a lot to answer for. I can hear the violins playing for the tattooed, pierced and depressed. I can hear the sobbing of a thousand,nay, a million children as their mummies and daddies wallets empty so they can look like every other f**king “individual” on the planet. Get a life fruitcocks and have some fun you morbid little f**ks!!!! Cast of your “Panic at the Disco” shirts, throw your “Fall Out Boy” CD’s away (oh sorry, you don’t have CD’s do you, just downloads). Doesn’t matter, just throw your IPODs into the nearest ravine,canyon or lake (Burley Griffin will do). While your at it tell all your mates who like “hardcore” to get rid of the vapid, (it’s in the dictionary retard),homogenic and banal shite that they like to do the same. Seriously kiddies it’s about time you all lightened the f**k up and enjoyed youselves. Sure, the planets cooking and it will probably implode in a couple of hundred years, but do you really want your legacy to be “reality TV “, MySpace, mobile phones and MP3’s. Shit, I grew up in the 80’s under threat of nuclear war, and at least we gave the world, ummm Culture Club. Well, Boy George was a half decent boxer as a kid, so he’d kick your asses anyway. I guess that all I’m saying here is enjoy your youth while you got it. It doesn’t last and it won’t come back and if someone f**ks with you, deal with it or f**k with them right back, don’t write a letter for Christ’s sake. Shit happens, it’s called LIFE people.
Luv the Ancient One.

Dear Canberra, YOU PISSED ME OFF for not pre-purchasing your Datarock tickets! It is your fault that once again Canberra misses out on another international act! How difficult is it to turn on your computer and buy your tickets on the Ticketek site, or better still get off your flabby cheeks and head down to your local agent and buy a bunch for you and your mates! Canberra, get your bloody act together!

Has someone yanked yer chain recently? Well, send an email to editorial [at] bmamag [dot] com and have your sweet vengeance. And for the love of God, keep it brief! ALL ENTRIES CONTAIN GENUINE SPELLINGS.