IN A BID TO OUTDO EACH OTHER, MASTER CHEFS CREATE THE FOLLOWING:
CRABBAGE - Thinly sliced crab meat layered and presented in a leafy ball.
CHOCCOLI - Bushes of chocolate dyed green. A sweet tribute to the workhorse vegetable.
GRAVIOLI - Pouches of pasta laced with a shock of succulent, congealed meat juices.
BEEFROOT - Prime steak sliced thinly and marinated in beetroot.
HAMINGTONS - Cubes of compacted meat sprinkled with chocolate and desiccated coconut.
DEATH BY TURNIPS - A bed of turnips nursing a structured tier of pickled turnips finished with a drizzle of turnip liqueur.
LEGS BENEDICT - Oven roasted chicken legs smothered with serious, buttery sauce.
CAULIFLOWER AU GRATIS - Stalks of cauliflower are steamed, coated in cheese sauce and given away for free.
SAVLOVA - Freshly prepared cuts of saveloy are set inside a fuselage of sweet, meat-based cream.
RISSOLETO - Sun-drenched prime beef rissoles are pounded into oblivion and fried up with some fancy pasta.
BLT - Barracuda, Lentils, Tiramisu.
WORLD CLASS JOKES!
Q. How many community radio announcers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Aaah.... now, let's see... I think the answer is... yeah... ah... let me just... that was changed by someone you've never heard of from a record label in Prague.
Q. What's compact, leggy and rarely seen in music?
A. Concertina Turner.
Q. Why did the secretaries get in trouble for doing their nails?
A. They were file sharing.
Q. Why did the Internet cross the road?
A. Something to do with porn!
Q. What do you get if you cross a high school reunion with a computer virus?
A. Facebook.
Q. What's Coldplay's next record going to be?
A. Highest selling f@#%ng single probably.
Q. What's white and stands in the corner.
A. A naughty fridge.
Q. What do vegans read their children?
A. Charlie and the carob factory.
Q. What's the difference between my love life and the global financial crisis?
A. One is a complicated disaster, the repercussions of which will be felt for years, the other is the global financial crisis.
JUSTIN HEAZLEWOOD
Justin performs as The Bedroom Philosopher and writes for Frankie, Jmag and The Big Issue. New album Brown & Orange is out now. www.bedroomphilosopher.com
